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We witnessed something heart rending on Wednesday, and while my fragile emotions can’t handle telling you the gory details I will simply say we watched a kitten die after being hit by a car.  Just saying that much is enough to get the tears flowing again.  It was horrible beyond explanation.  Fortunately, my husband had the fortitude to deal with it all including the painful duty of giving that little one a respectable burial.

I felt so utterly sad and horrible that evening (complete with chest pains) and immensely angry.  Angry that so many people consider companion animals as disposable items not much more than a cup or a paper bag…when you’re done with them chuck them out the door, because they’re animals right…they can fend for themselves.

Meeting someone with that attitude makes me want to deck them right on the spot.  I really feel deep down in my heart that you cannot trust someone who doesn’t have any feelings towards animals.  I’m not talking about hunters (most of whom respect animals)  I’m talking about people who could care less if their animals are left three days without food or water, or worse yet. the ones who get some sort of thrill out of abusing and killing animals just for the fun of it.  To me…it speaks of unchecked evil in the heart, and I could never befriend or trust them.

I’m not so far off the deep end about animals that I don’t eat meat, but I’m telling you, if I had to do the killing I would be a vegetarian.  I deal with a lot of mixed feelings on the subject.  Sometimes I do feel like a hypocrite.  I know God put certain animals on the earth for human consumption…because our bodies need protein which is very hard to find outside of meat products.  I also know that God put certain creatures on this earth to be companions to humans as evidenced by the fact they are inherantly dependent on humans for a healthy life.  Dogs and cats are a prime example.

I love my cats so much that they are like children to me, and since I never had children it only makes sense I feel this way, but even if I had had children I know my feelings would be  the same.  I have been this way since I was a child.  In a way I wish I were tougher, because I don’t know how to shake off things like what happened the other night.  It haunts me acutely for weeks, and even then I never ever forget it.  My dad accidentally hit my cat with a car back when I was ten years old, and I still can relive that awful memory in my mind like it was yesterday including the fact that I made my dad feel like a complete heel when he already felt bad enough already.  He loved that cat too.

I wish I could quit thinking about that kitten buried in my backyard, but I still see it terrified, flailing and dying on the side of the road .  I find myself wishing to God we could have been 30 seconds earlier, and maybe we could’ve rescued it before it was hit.  However, that was not God’s plan for that little one for whatever reason.

My husband has been convicted to start volunteering with the group that runs the adoption center at our local PetSmart.  Wednesday made that conviction even stronger for him.  So, for the past two days we’ve gone to PetSmart and talked with the volunteers to get idea about what volunteering entails.  The enormity of the homeless pet population in the Charlotte area (especially cats) is overwhelming.  Most of the volunteers foster cats though that’s not a requirement to be a volunteer…to come in and clean cages and play with the animals.

For me just feeding and interacting is a big emotional investment for me.  I have huge reserves of untapped maternal instinct that come gushing out when I see homeless animals, and there are days I cannot even go into a PetSmart adoption center without it becoming an emotional meltdown.   So, to me, volunteering is a huge step.  My husband, on the other hand, lives to go and see the kitties.  It doesn’t make him as sad as it does me, but he always wants to bring one or more home (another potential pitfall of volunteering).

That’s the problem…we have four that we dearly love, but with our busy lifestyle it’s about all we can handle.  For about a year we had five, and to me it was too much.  The lady we talked to last night has 21–some her personal animals and some foster.  I just cannot imagine that many in one house even though I’ve met people who manage that many well.

So, I’m not sure how well I’m going to do with volunteering.  After being there for an hour last night and an hour today I feel very emotionally spent and overwhelmed.  I wish I were a person who could just bask in the fact that I am doing good for the animals I care for there instead of focusing on the fact that the older ones will probably never find forever homes, and even some of the kittens will grow up and live forever in a foster home/shelter situation.

So, now I have to decide I can do it and still remain emotionally intact.  Wish me luck…